And this is the column I’ve been dreading. I mean really, what is there left to say about any of this. The “Har-bowl”? The “Bro-Bowl”? Attention centered on the coaches, who won’t be on the field, and not on the actual teams, who will. Well, except for the Ray Lewis controversy about the possible use of deer antlers (and isn’t that a visual none of us needed) and that player Chris from the 49ers who when asked about gays said he didn’t “go in for that sweet stuff.” (I think I can safely assume “Brokeback Mountain” isn’t in his Netflix queue). I’m not making a prediction, but I’m going with the Ravens, because (1) it’s Ray Lewis’ last game ever and (2) I’ve been eating a Subway Footlong BBQ Crow sandwich ever since that Kaepernick kid didn’t fold like a cheap card table in the playoffs. Of course you can’t go by me – see previous columns extolling the Texans and predicting Denver to go all the way.
As far as the Harbaugh brothers go, I don’t know much about them – I hated Jim when he coached Stanford and I have no reason to like him now, but that doesn’t change the fact he’s done wonders with the team. I’m waiting for the pregame show to devolve into a Smothers Brothers’ ripoff of “Mom always liked me best”. If you need to know which Harbaugh is which, it’s easy to remember – Johnny doesn’t have a continual facial expression of “I think I’ve just eaten bad shrimp.”
This column will publish an hour before the Superbowl, at 5:30 Eastern time. The first pre-game show will have started on CBS at 11:00 a.m. Eastern time, so by now you will have watched 6.5 hours of pregame for a game with one hour of playing time. And you will still have one hour to go. In that time, CBS will have done the following: (1) interviewed 4,675 NFL players, past and present, all of whom will make NO prediction as to the outcome; (2) interviewed Ray Lewis and everyone who ever knew the Harbaugh brothers, including the hot dog vendor on Poydras Street outside the Dome, who will give his views on defensive strategy, offensive strategy, and if yellow mustard is preferred by either brother on their weinee (you do with that phrase what you will).; (3) realize that by hour six, they have run out of things to talk about and will have started interviewing each other on the sidelines. You will also get the obligatory pre-game interview with Obama, at which time you will either go on another beer run or commence tiling your bathroom, depending on the items on your “to do” list.
By the time the coin gets tossed, chances are you will have forgotten what teams are playing.
Which, frankly, brings me to the real reason we watch the Super Bowl (unless you have a team involved, and even then it’s a toss up). The COMMERCIALS.
We have had greats in the past – the jammin’ frogs and anything involving the Budweiser Clydesdales (the football game is still my No. 1, although that one with colt thinking he’s really pulled the coach out of the bar is a close second). You know that no one will be looking a a reply of a great touchdown run on Monday – they’ll be hitting You Tube for a repeat of the commercials. At $3 million for half a minute, they are an incredible investment. And for a long time, they were the BEST part of the game. But lately, they’ve been lacking, so here’s some suggestions:
!. Can we get rid of the Go Daddy commercials with or without Danicka Patrick? Please? I find it hard to believe WOMEN are rushing to the computer to see what Dani’s doing next (of course, San Francisco is playing, but still….)
2. Budweiser – please. Stick to the Clydesdales. Those prohibition ads from last year? Seriously? I was praying for a repeat of “the Streaker.” You can’t go wrong with the ponies.
3. Chrysler didn’t SAVE Detroit. Calvin Johnson did. Ominious 300’s driving down Woodward Avenue and not being threatened with hijacking and a drive-by aren’t foolling anybody.
4. I do not watch the Super Bowl for tips on combatting global warming. If a Polar Bear shows up in a guy’s driveway, I want to see some serious man versus beast action. And since the man is a wimp who drives a car that doesn’t make any noise, I hope at least he’s tasty.
Enjoy the game, folks. Pop the cold ones and chow down on the wings. And I’ll see you all back here in the first week in September where you can look forward to more erroneous game outcome predictions and the occasional rant about Roger Goodell.