Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
Everyone watched the video screen, intently listening to John Cavil’s express instructions to be carried out in his absence (not that he was leaving Hell any time soon). The Number One Cylon concluded:.
“I am sorry I cannot be there to guide you all. I shall be, as you are fond of saying, laid up…for a couple of weeks. After all, as our Infernal Leader said not too long ago, ‘Even I need a break.’ And so, I’m going to take the best recuperation possible, given our circumstances.
“And with that, I bid you adieu. Be seeing you….” Cavil finished with a gesture forming a monocle over his right eye with his index and forefinger, and the rest of his fingers extended diagonally above his forehead. With that, the screen faded.
“That’ll sure piss Mr. Johnson off,” muttered Saddam. “That is, if anyone ever told him about it.” He snickered and tapped a monitor set into the table to check on the Centurion’s progress. Sure enough, the bicycling blogger was being disemboweled on schedule.
Adolf Hitler piped up. “Now that he left us in charge, I want to propose a final solution to the question of resurrection!”
“A lot of good that schtick did you back on Earth, Schicklgruber!” countered D’anna, a Three who posed as a Colonial Officer in her former existence.
“There are also the rebels!” added Tom Zarek.
“Then what do you propose?” D’anna asked.
Hitler replied, “By disabling the resurrection subroutine for everyone else but us, we would have the proper hierarchy here. Remember who created whom!” He slammed his fist onto the desk. Der Führer had actually learned something about the nature of the Cylons.
“Don’t you understand? We’re being merciful to all damned souls. It’s the least we can do since we can’t escape here.”
“And we need to put the rebels in their place!” Hitler raised his voice.
Aaron Doral popped up. “Why not ask the Hybrid for its opinion?”
The entire table shouted in unison, “NO!”
Congressman Murtha added, “What, you wish to become one with another city?” Laughter ensued.
But before anyone could do anything about it, Doral rushed over to the tank where the Hybrid rested peacefully and plugged it into the net. It awoke and spoke: ”Democrats will fight to make sure that Republicans do not turn a guaranteed benefit into a guaranteed gamble….FTL drives spinning up…If I were to cry for anything, I would cry for them and the policies that they’re about to face…JUMP!”
Everyone held their breath as one moment, the meeting room overlooked the ancient fortress…
…and the next, it was one with a palatial bedroom with Cavil engaging in some activity with a Tough Six; they both were furious for the interruption.
“Um…sorry Boss,” meeked Doral, “My bad.” The group moved to beat a hasty exit. Which was, of course, put to a screeching halt as a phalanx of Centurions surrounded them. They extended their left forearms which revealed hidden blades, and all turned to Cavil. He was not happy at all.
“Ah, I see when the cat’s away the mice will play. Would you do the honors, Six?”
She nodded amd smiled. “Off with their heads….”
Posts Tagged ‘John Murtha’
Filed under LGF, Satire at June 18th, 2011 - 8:00 pm
Filed under LGF, Satire at May 31st, 2011 - 8:30 pm
Never mind which level of Hell they’re on…
The ancient fortress appeared almost pristine for once. Tapestry from throughout the ages lined the stone walls, and the place was packed with thousands upon thousands of the most Evil individuals in all of human history, feasting and breaking out into song to commemorate their deeds…and also to sing the praises of their Ultimate Leader.
At the head of the great fortress’ hall sat a number of folks who curried the favor of The Infernal One, and as such, received more breaks from their eternal punishments than the rest of the damned souls: They all appeared in perfect health!
Saddam Hussein, his sons Uday and Qusay, his cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid, along with Yasser Arafat, the Ayatollah Khomeini, Muammar al-Gaddafi, and Osama bin Laden, all dining on the largest chickens they had ever seen here.
Adolf Hitler feasted on massive roast eggplant while sitting next to Genghis Khan with a massive plate of beef. For once, he was not repulsed to seeing the beef, which was also being consumed by Tom Zarek.
John Murtha and Ted Kennedy were slated to be treated to pork, more pork, and even more pork…although the former Senator from Massachusetts was too busy downing more scotch! In any case they were used to it and were finally happy. Fortunately, they were kept away from Saddam’s contingent for good reason
Charles Foster “Icarus” Johnson stuffed his face with what seemed to be endless supplies of Mountain Dew and Cheetos galore. Lost in the crowd were Fred Phelps, Iceweasel and Killgore Trout, some other models with grievous sins, and other humans who were mainly vassals or servants of some authority.
And at the very center of the table sat John Cavil. One seat to his right was empty, being reserved for the Prince of Darkness. When the time came, he stood up and raised his hands for all to see, and the crowd fell slient. Everyone in the Infernal Realm heard and saw this broadcast.
“The time has come, my friends,” said the Number One Cylon, “to bring in our patron! The ruler of this realm! THE INFERNAL ONE!”
The crowd roared as he materialized at the center chair! While the Muslim contingent immediately bowed down in worship mode chanting “Iblis Akbar!”, Saddam remained standing and gasped. During the cacophony of the celebration he said, “You look NOTHING like I experience every day!”
The Infernal One smiled. “What…you expect me to appear like my demonic creations with an anvil-shaped genitalia 24/7? This is, after all, my true self. Even I need a break!”
This appeared to ease Saddam’s fears…and he too bowed down to worship him.
The deafening cheers continued. Iblis then raised his hands to quite the minions, and they fell silent. “Today…I have granted you all a special reprieve from your eternal penalties! In exchange, my left-hand man,” placing his left hand on Cavil’s right shoulder, “has graciously offered to share with you all his ultimate experience from so long ago. BRING IT FORTH!”
The crowd cheered, not knowing what was to occur next. This went on for five minutes and suddenly, a strange craft materialized in the crimson skies directly above the ancient fortress. The cheering turned to muttering, when at last, the strange craft launched a single object which approached at incredible velocity, yet the time seemed to pass at a snail’s pace…so they all beheld the object: a multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle.
The strange craft then launched more of these, all of which vectored off to the various cities all over Hell.
Cavil shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry I couldn’t retrieve any of my base ships.” He pointed upward. “All those hybrids touched you-know-who! This was the best I could do on such short notice.”
“That’s quite all right,” replied Iblis. “Let’s sit back and enjoy the moment, shall we?” They did so, as the muttering morphed into sheer panic.
Everyone scurried about, desperately seeking shelter…except for Charles Johnson, who kept munching on Cheetos and slamming down even more Mountain Dew. He erroneously continued to think this was just another game scenario…until he finally realized this was for real. He screamed, “Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!”
The MIRV stopped, now floating…or so it seemed to the damned. The last thing they saw was a blinding white flash…and the last thing they felt was the flesh melting away from their bones….
Filed under Politics, Progressives at February 13th, 2010 - 3:30 pm
Well now that he is pushing up the daisies we can all say what we all really feel. Murtha was corrupt, slanderous, arrogant and a liar -and those were probably his better qualities. He called his own constituents bigots – and they still voted him back in proving that every whore has her price.
by Michelle Malkin
We are not supposed to speak ill of the dead. But those whom the deceased viciously smeared and humiliated deserve to be defended. Entrenched Rep. John Murtha passed away on Feb. 8 after a botched gallbladder surgery. He has been hailed as a “military advocate” (Associated Press) and “one of the greatest patriots ever to serve in Congress” (former Rep. Harold Ford Jr.).
These obsequious obituaries leave out inconvenient truths: John “Jack” Murtha was an unrepentant smear merchant and corruptocrat to the bitter end.
In May 2006, during an MSNBC appearance that Marines and their families will never forget or forgive, Murtha accused US troops of wantonly killing some two dozen civilians, including children, in the terrorist stronghold of Haditha, Iraq. Bellowed Murtha: “Our troops overreacted because of the pressure on them, and they killed innocent civilians in cold blood.”
He publicly indicted the Marines before military investigations had been completed. His remarks opened military-bashing floodgates around the world.
In the wake of Murtha’s reckless blabbing, MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann accused the Haditha Marines of “willful targeted brutality.” The Nation magazine claimed that “members of the 3rd Battalion, 1st Marine Regiment perpetrated a massacre.” The New York Times dubbed Haditha the “defining atrocity” of the Iraq war. International papers piled on with Vietnam-era “My Lai” allusions. Murtha cold-bloodedly sat back and enjoyed the ride while the Marines were left twisting in the wind.
By 2008, seven of the Marines charged in the incident had been exonerated or had charges against them dropped.One still awaits a long, dragged-out trial this year.
Murtha, the so-called “military advocate,” went to his deathbed refusing to apologize or retract the attacks on the Haditha Marines (several of whom unsuccessfully sued him for libel to restore their honor). Decent people would call this intransigent treachery.
[...] In 1980, Murtha was an unindicted co-conspirator in a massive bribery probe — in which undercover FBI agents videotaped Murtha entertaining a $50,000 bribe from agents posing as emissaries for Arab sheiks trying to enter our country illegally. From transcripts of those conversations published by the late newspaper columnist Jack Anderson, Murtha’s true colors shined:
“I want to deal with you guys awhile be fore I make any transactions at all, period. . . . After we’ve done some business, well, then I might change my mind. . . .”
“I’m going to tell you this. If anybody can do it — I’m not B.S.-ing you fellows — I can get it done my way,” he boasted. “There’s no question about it.”
Murtha worried not about his integrity or how his constituents might be harmed, but about getting ratted out
Read the rest: The ugly truth about Jack Murtha